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| i've gota new layout...you should look at it.
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| So I got to go out last night with Cindy and Maura to celebrate Cindy's graduation. We ended up at Taco Mac which was a mistake from the beginning because they had over 200 beers on tap.
I ordered two shots straight away and a beer to top it off. After an attempt to eat something for the first time all day, I ordered two more shots and yet another beer. Needless to say I was feeling a bit not sober. 1. I hate going to places that aren't bars for drinks, my food was only 8 bucks and the alcohol alone was 30. I wanted more but decided against it and drove Cindy home. We talked about religion, birth control and she asked me how I was doing with my depression and such. You should never ask anyone how their depression is going when they're drunk, I thought that was just something everyone knew. I told her I was fine, that it was nothing to worry about, but deep down I wanted to drive my car off the freeway overpass.
I droped her off at her apartment, rolled the window down, turned up my radio and sang along to lushesq music. I hated myself driving home. I had a son at home and a husband and here I am out for four hours drinking with the girls. All I wanted to do was sleep and not wake up, but the baby was up when I got home and I had to take care of him....I guess thats just what needs to be done with a mom, no matter what you feel like, or what you look like..you take over when you're home and the baby needs something. I sobered up right away holding Sailor. He fell asleep for a couple hours and so did I just to wake up still drunk. This makes me a horrible mother.
This morning Mark asked me why I seem so down. I told him it is just stress getting to me..which it is partly. Then we began to talk and he basically made me feel bad for being depressed and trying to talk tohim about it. He says I make his life seem trival. I'm sorry, but I'm just trying to get through life without shaking my baby and without drinking myself to death. I'd gladly pick the later.
Tomorrow is a get together with people from school. I'm not so convinced that I want to go and be around those people, but I do know that there will be free alcohol and that totally changes my perspective on the whole thing. These days it seems I'm making Tim Kasher my role model and that scares the hell out of me.
I have a doctors appointment with my midwife on Tuesday. I'm going to tell her that I feel like driving my car off a clif, or drinking myself to death or walking out of the apartment and never coming back. I know these aren't ok feelings to have but I can't shake them off, they're just there occupying space in my head and my heart.
I hate this.
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| Girl I wish I had the answers to your questions...although I know you are not looking for answers. usually on any given day I would be like God cares for you no matter what and very encouraging. But today I feel like I',ve been tested beyond belief. My heart is like" what did I do to deserve such hardship and malice from others?" And my heart somewhat hurts. Life is not fair. What keeps me strong tonight is the fact that I know God knows my heart and the fact that I have the right to feel the way I do. It's only grace that keeps me going. I know that I'm doing what I need to do on this journey of life...and opposition and the voice of discouragement are always ready to knock me down.
BUT...Why do we get tested? Is God doing this or is some force of evil trying to knock us down?
You are going through a lot right now and it's legit...I can only imagine the faith and strength it requires to be a mother. And to know you are responsible for a baby to where there are areas in his life you can control and others you can't. It's absolutely frustrating. God is your strength, girl. Even when your faith is ridiciously weak, He is stronger.
When I see you look at Sailor all I see is your love for him...and that is only good...and it's a love God put in you. Crazy to say, but I believe it's the same love GOD feels for you.
I love Cindy, I need more people like her in my life...more people that listen no matter what and despite myself. | | |
| Postpartum depression? Yes please.
I can't wait to go to the doctor. I know it can get worse but I don't know how much worse it can get. I'm thinking thoughts I shouldn't be, I'm imagining things I shouldn't be and I'm a horrible fucking mother for even thinking things like I am.
I'm upset that my friends are ignoring me. All I want is for them to return my phone calls, thats all...I don't think that is too much to ask. I know they can hear it in my voice and its just like they don't care. Maybe they're just not friends? If so then I'm one lonely lonely human being who is relying way too much on her husband for happiness.
Its raining. Fitting I suppose. The baby is asleep, its dark and cold. I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be right now then freezing and staring out my window wondering when it's my turn to be happy again.
Where's God when I need him the most?
This is the second time he's let me down in a month.
I don't think he cares about me anymore.
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